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Attachment Trauma Healing in Relationships

By November 4, 2024No Comments

 

 

Boundaries are learned through original attachment relationships with our caregivers.

Attachment Trauma

Humans need love and connection. Attachment theory explains how humans learn about relationships, trust, safety, and who they are/are not. This is done through many experiences with our caregivers, moments of connection and disconnection, and opportunities to be soothed and guided. When parents respond appropriately, such as being attuned and aware of their child’s needs, children develop a sense of safety. When parents allow children to explore and have their own feelings/preferences, they learn that they have their own self, outside of their parents, and are capable and worthy. Healthy attachment assists in development of the child’s brain, particularly the prefrontal cortex that’s responsible for emotion regulation. Parents can’t be perfect, no one is, but they can aim for consistency, increased awareness and attunement. In healthy attachment, the caregiver sends the message that even when things are difficult and I am upset, I still love you and I am present. So the temporary disconnection still creates a connection.

Attachment Trauma Healing in Relationships

Attachment Trauma and Relationships

Did you know that how you form connections is strongly dictated by how you formed connections in your childhood? Depending on the connection you had with your caregiver, you will develop an attachment style that shows up in your adult relationships.
There are four main attachment styles:
AVOIDANT: You avoid close relationships (even if you are in a relationship) due to fear of being suffocated, dismissing potential partners as they come/avoiding getting closer in relationships. ​
ANXIOUS-AVOIDANT: You are uncomfortable with intimacy and avoid getting close for fear that if you do, your partner might leave.​ ​
SECURE: You feel safe within intimate relationships and can be autonomous and interdependent. You can connect and be vulnerable and be okay being alone. ​ ​
ANXIOUS: You crave closeness but are unsure if your partner wants to be as close as you would like.

Attachment Trauma and Boundaries

Attachment wounds often show up as boundary problems in adulthood. Boundaries are learned through original attachment relationships with our caregivers. This is where we learn if the cost of connection is the loss of self or if we are allowed to be separate and different. Why are boundaries important? Because you show, don’t tell, someone how to treat you. If you don’t have boundaries how would you know (and be able to stop) someone who is crossing your bottom lines?  To be able to say “no” you need to have faith that your “no” will not cause you pain or end the connection between you and another person. With attachment trauma, it has.  Attachment trauma distorts our sense of boundaries. Healing with a trauma-informed, knowledgeable and emotionally safe therapist restores it.

Trauma-Informed Couples Therapy

Are your attachment wounds affecting your adult relationships? Do you have a hard time setting boundaries in your relationships? You are not alone. Many people carry the burdens of their childhood into adulthood. It is okay to reach out for help. Whether you are single or in a relationship, individual therapy and researched-based couples therapy can help you process attachment wounds and start setting boundaries. You deserve to have your needs met and have a healthy relationship. Reach out to a therapist in your area today.