The most common stumbling block to transparency in communication is how each person “feels about feelings”, especially negative ones.
Communication in Relationships
In order for a relationship to be successful, both partners should engage in effective communication. Effective communication helps you communicate your needs without defensiveness or attacking/criticism taking over the conversation. Setting aside time for intimate moments, maintaining open-ended communication about each other’s lives outside the home, and expressing appreciation and support are all useful tools in maintaining a connection with your partner and avoiding unnecessary conflict.
Tips for Healthy Communication
Do you struggle with communication in your relationship? Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A., authors of Attached, created 5 straightforward principles that will help you learn how to effectively communicate:
- Wear your heart on your sleeve: Honesty and genuineness go a long way. Beating around the bush will prolong any problem you are facing, but being true about your feelings opens the door for problem-solving and healing.
- Focus on your needs: Focus on using the verbs “need,” “feel,” and “want” when you are communicating with your partner. Using these words will help you stay focused on what you’re trying to achieve instead of honing in on your partner’s shortcomings, which could lead to both parties becoming hurt.
- Be specific: Being precise about what you’re feeling or bothered by will lead to more clarity and less room for misinterpretation. When things are misinterpreted, it could lead to repeated conversations that make you and your partner feel like progress is not being made.
- Don’t blame: Make sure that you are calm when you are expressing your needs. If you are on the verge of flooding, you may come off as judgmental or angry, which can turn the conversation into a blame-game or argument.
- Be assertive and nonapologetic: Remember that all relationship needs are valid. Even though your needs may differ from your partner’s, they are still important and essential for your well-being.
Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy
Understanding emotions and attachment styles is the key to understanding behaviors or patterns in your life that you want to work on. Therefore, it is no surprise that exploring emotions and attachment styles is also incredibly helpful regarding relationships. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a humanistic approach to psychotherapy that was developed with this in mind. Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s, EFT aims to help couples, as well as individuals and families, form secure emotional bonds and improve attachment styles. The three steps of EFT are de-escalation (identifying and reframing negative patterns or emotions), restructuring (learning to share emotions and show compassion), and consolidation (creating new communication skills to prevent conflict). EFT helps couples and individuals who struggle with conflict, poor communication, addiction, depression, PTSD, and more. If you need help with communication in your relationship, reach out to an EFT therapist today.
