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Dating and Intimacy

By December 17, 2024No Comments

 

 

We shut down or open up and grow depending on how safe our environments and relationships are.

Childhood Trauma and Dating

What have you learned about human connection as a child? Without even being fully aware, you have developed ideas about how relationships and love should be. And now your dating experiences reflect your expectations about human connection. Most people date blindly. They either approach dating too intellectually, searching for someone who looks good on paper, or rely on attraction, chemistry and what feels good. The truth is, you are the common denominator in all your relationships. Now, I want to emphasize that I am not saying this to place blame for the bad dating experiences you’ve had. No one changes and grows by being blamed and judged. You had all the reasons to date whoever you did. And now you can have all the resources to learn from those bad experiences. You deserve to grow, heal and share intimacy with an amazing person who treats you well. Our childhood experiences shape how we show up in our adult relationships. If relationships with your caregivers were unstable or inconsistent, this likely affects how you show up in relationships now.

Dating and Intimacy

Attachment and Dating

If you formed an insecure attachment style from traumatic experiences in childhood, this does not mean that you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over. Healing is possible for everyone. Now is the time to let go of everything and anything unnecessary that’s holding you back. The best thing you can do for yourself is bring in compassion and kindness, as well as curiosity towards yourself. Self-understanding and increased awareness of our patterns and expectations (subconscious as well) help us evaluate our potential dates better. Mindfulness practices help us be in the moment and get to know our partner slowly and deeply, without other variables distorting our reality. This is the time to let go of unhealthy patterns and embrace the lovely person that you are.

Dating and Intimacy

No intimate relationship can exist without vulnerability. And that’s the hardest thing for most people, especially if you’ve been hurt before. Some realize this about themselves, some don’t and just wonder why relationships never progress after a certain point, usually after the initial physical attraction. Your defenses are there to protect you. You examine all of your fears, all the scenarios of what could go wrong based on your own hurtful experiences and those you witnessed around you. You build walls, you want guarantees. It’s so natural for us humans to do that to feel protected. However, while it keeps us in that illusion of being “safe,” it also prevents us from being truly fulfilled and happy in a wonderful relationship. So how do you change that? And what comes before vulnerability ? The answer is emotional safety. You need to feel safe before you can open up. So if you have someone who shows you their soul, someone who is willing to talk about everything and anything, who makes you feel safe, someone who cares and shows it, then take a chance and do the same. True love and intimacy is found in the depths of authentic conversations, true friendship and understanding. The word “intimacy” means “into me see.” So take a risk and be seen. One step at a time.

Dating and Intimacy

Navigating dating is difficult in itself. Add in childhood trauma, or adult experiences such as betrayal trauma, and things get even more difficult. You are deserving of a partner who loves and cherishes you for you. And they are out there. Once you learn how your childhood experiences are affecting how you are showing up in your adult relationships, it is much easier to find the right partner. If you need assistance with this, that is perfectly okay. There is help out there, all you need to do is reach out. Attachment-focused therapy can be an excellent modality to change how you show up in relationships. These therapists can help you unlearn negative patterns and show up as your best self in relationships. You deserve love and happiness.