There is no healthy relationship without intimacy, and there’s no intimacy without emotional safety and vulnerability.
What Is Intimacy?
The word “intimacy” is often described as “into me see,” suggesting that intimacy starts with knowing oneself fully and then allowing yourself to be seen by somebody else. Love will come and stay only if it sees the real you. But it can be so difficult to allow our true selves to come out when we’ve been hurt before. It’s hard to be seen if we don’t feel emotionally safe with the person we are with. Choose someone who makes you feel safe. The rollercoaster of emotions that we get from dating the wrong people, the breakups and makeups can be exciting but they don’t last. Realize that intimacy is not about intensity. It’s about emotional safety and trust. That’s where the strongest emotions grow.
Nurturing Intimacy
Developing and nurturing intimacy can be difficult for someone who has experienced childhood trauma or betrayal trauma. Difficult, but not impossible. So, what can you do to nurture intimacy in your relationship? Firstly, and most importantly, taking care of yourself and allowing some space in your relationship will improve the passion in your relationship. Relationships need both closeness and separateness to keep passion alive. Too much closeness creates fusion and the potential to lose yourself. In contrast, too much separateness creates distance and disconnection. Additionally, emotional safety is a must. You need to feel safe before you can open up. So if you have someone who shows you their soul, someone who is willing to talk about everything and anything, who makes you feel safe, someone who cares and shows it, then take a chance and do the same. True love and intimacy is found in the depths of authentic conversations, true friendship and understanding. Remember, intimacy is not just sex. It goes beyond that. It’s knowing yourself and being able (and willing) to share yourself with another in a healthy way.
Intimacy vs Intensity
People confuse love with so many other things and start believing that love is difficult and painful. So let’s talk about what love is NOT. You need true intimacy for love. Intensity is not intimacy. The excitement, constant break ups and make ups, unavailability of your partner, drama, push and pull dynamic, uncertainty and unattainability is not love and true intimacy. Call it what it is, attachment wounds and trauma bonds, but that’s not intimacy. Healthy love and obsession are two different things. Falling in love can be a bit crazy in the beginning, so it’s normal to have butterflies, daydream about the person you like, and so on. However, if that continues into later phases of the relationship and this person becomes your absolute everything, then you are out of balance. It’s dangerous if you lose yourself, making this person the center of the universe. If he/she is your everything, then you will have nothing if they leave. See the problem? Can you love but not lose yourself in love? Losing yourself in a relationship is not love. It’s an unhealthy attachment. It’s your trauma bond.
Therapy For Dating
If you are dating, it’s crucial that you get to know yourself, your deal breakers, wants and needs. Additionally, create a friendship with the person you are dating so that you can be fully yourself, share anything you want with them and feel emotionally safe to do so. This will help you build intimacy and get to a place where you can simply nurture it. If you need help regarding intimacy in your relationship, you are not alone. Reach out to a therapist in your area to assist with dating, attachment wounds, and anything else that may need attention in your relationship.
