Saying “I’m sorry” is not enough.
Infidelity Recovery
Infidelity is painful. And the betrayed partner needs to go through his/her/their various feelings and process each one knowing that it’s a normal reaction to trauma and it’s okay to take time to heal. There should be no rushing to forgive and forget. However, there are benefits, when ready, in understanding the partner who committed the betrayal. You may wrongly assume the unfaithfulness of your partner is a reflection on you and your inadequacy as a partner. You may think that if only you were ____(insert what you think is missing: young enough, fun enough, sexy enough, successful enough, etc.) your partner wouldn’t betray you. The benefit of understanding what led your partner to the affair can help relieve that self-blame. Are they using affairs as a coping skill for their own pain? Using it as a sweet escape? What is their pain? Again, understanding the partner who betrayed does not excuse the behavior or make it okay. It helps with the process of healing instead. Understanding what led up to the affair can help make sense of it and give comfort in knowing what/who you can trust again. Anger is normal and needs to be processed in a healthy manner, not bypassed. Holding on to resentment isn’t good for our health. Healing after an affair often leads to an individual’s or couple’s transformation, whether you stay together or leave the relationship. Something new can come out of the ashes of your broken, burned heart.
Affair Recovery Couples Therapy
A partnership requires emotional intimacy, and infidelity is an act that shatters this intimacy as well as trust. Discovering infidelity can be a shocking, traumatic event that can make it difficult to make clear decisions about what to do next. How do you rebuild trust after a betrayal? Saying you’re sorry is not enough to rebuild trust after a betrayal. It’s a good start, but the “sorry” needs to be sincere, consistent, and as many times as needed, while backed up with correct actions. Here are some additional tips:
- What are you sorry for? Say it. With empathy. Put yourself in their shoes. How did it feel to be on the receiving end of your betrayal? “I am sorry I lied to you. You believed in me and thought I was one way and then I went and did x,y,z and didn’t tell you. I am sorry I broke the trust we had in this relationship. I hate that I caused you this pain. I understand why you are angry….etc.” Give your partner more than just “sorry.”
- Be prepared to repeat your amends many times. As many times as your partner feels triggered.
- Reassure your partner it won’t happen again by sharing what actions you are taking now to correct it.
- Back up your words with actions. Actions speak louder than words. Betrayal is a form of trauma and our nervous system needs to feel safe, not to be told that it’s safe. How can your partner feel safe now? Show your partner, don’t tell.
Navigating infidelity recovery is incredibly difficult. There are professionals to help you through this difficult time. Gottman Method couples therapy is an excellent couples therapy modality to consider if you are struggling moving through this chapter. Whether you decide to move forward alone, or continue trying to work on the relationship, there is support out there for you. Contact a Gottman Method couples therapist in your area today if you are struggling with infidelity recovery.
