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What is often labeled as Codependency is actually our brain trying to look for safety.

What is Codependency?

Have you ever “lost” yourself in a relationship? This can be a common feeling at the start of a relationship when you only want to be with your new partner. However, if this continues past the beginning of a relationship, it can start to fall into the territory of codependency. While codependency sometimes can be viewed as a negative label, it is a normal response to relational trauma. ​​Codependency happens when one or both partners blur the lines of dependence/independence/interdependence. They may start losing touch with their friends and family. They may stop thinking of themselves as an individual, all decisions may revolve around their partner. They may do whatever it takes to keep the other person happy, regardless of reciprocity. And they may want to be with the other person 100% of the time. ​Codependency is common in individuals who have experienced childhood trauma and therefore have an anxious attachment style.

Overcoming Codependency

Signs of Codependency

If you do not know much about codependency, it may be difficult to identify it. Here are some common signs of codependency to pay attention to:

  1. Loneliness 
  2. Enmeshment 
  3. Relational anxiety 
  4. Lack of personal life 
  5. Lack of reciprocity in relationships
  6. People-pleasing 
  7. Uncomfortable being alone

Experiencing these signs does not automatically mean you are codependent. These are just some signs to look out for if you believe that you may be struggling with codependency. To learn more about codependency, you can check out the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

Overcoming Codependency

If you find yourself experiencing codependency, you are not alone. Healing is possible. Here are three steps that are crucial to overcoming codependency:

1. Boundaries: In order to regain independence and interdependence, boundaries must be clearly defined in the relationship. Both partner’s needs must matter equally and be treated as such. The codependent partner needs to practice asking for what they need, as well as actually receiving it. This can be hard for a people-pleaser since they are only used to giving. 

​​2. Nurture outside relationships: Reconnecting with friends and family will be key to building a support system for the codependent partner to lean on. 

​3. Get to know yourself: It may not come naturally for someone with codependent tendencies to think of themselves, their needs, and feelings. It is important for the codependent partner to practice exploring their own needs and eventually standing up for themselves.