
Difficult conversations can lead to flooding. When flooded, we can’t take any information in or process it properly.
What is Flooding?
Conflict in relationships is inevitable. No matter how healthy the relationship, disagreements will arise and you will need to have difficult discussions. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that very often in relationships there is heightened physiological arousal during conflict discussions called “flooding.” Flooding happens in other relationships as well, with friends, coworkers, parents, siblings, in-laws, and so on. For most people, when they are flooded, their heart rate rises to over 100 beats per minute. You feel overwhelmed and intensely stressed. Your capacity to hear and understand someone else is limited. In this state of mind, you are more likely to say or do something you will later regret. Additionally, flooding isn’t good for your health. It suppresses your immune system, which makes you more susceptible to infectious illnesses. So when you find yourself flooding, it is important to take a break and self-soothe. Self-soothing activities can include engaging in deep breathing, taking a walk, or taking a shower. Anything that takes you away from the upsetting thoughts and calms your nervous system. Nervous system regulation is key.

Managing Flooding
- Take a pause. Take a pause and come back to the conversation after a minimum of 20 minutes after either one of you or both of you have had enough time to cool off.
- Tell your partner you need a break and when you will be back to resume the conversation. Practice positive visualization by thinking of happy times with your partner to remind yourself that they are someone you care about. Having conflict with your partner is normal, and does not mean it is a threat to you or the relationship.
- Find self-soothing activities. Soothe yourself with positive and gentle self-talk, breathwork, meditation, or other grounding techniques. Do not think about what you are going to say to your partner or how angry you feel.
Conflict Therapy
As I mentioned, difficult conversations are part of any healthy relationship. When more difficult relationship issues, such as criticism and contempt are present in the relationship, flooding is likely to occur. If your relationship has reached this point, it would be incredibly beneficial to reach out to a Gottman Method couples therapist. Gottman Method couples therapists are trained in helping you tackle these relationship issues together, as a team. Don’t wait to save your relationship until it’s too late. Reach out to a therapist in your area today.