Roses are Red but you are feeling Blue on Valentine’s Day…

blue-roses-wallpaper-9Are you alone on Valentine’s Day and feeling sad? Did you recently end a relationship and the thought of being alone tempts you to call your ex partner?  Perhaps you have been single for a while now and feel hopeless about ever finding love. If this is your current situation then this blog is for you. Grab some chocolate and keep reading…

People are driven to satisfy basic human needs. According to William Glasser (founder of Reality Therapy and Choice Theory), one of the basic needs we strive to fulfill is the need for Love and Belonging.  So why wouldn’t you want to find that special someone who makes you smile, sweeps you off your feet and gives you attention and affection? It’s perfectly natural to feel a bit sad seeing everyone flaunt their romance on this day.  It’s understandable, however, not exactly rational.  Love that has true commitment, respect, affection, passion and compatibility can be wonderful. But let’s retain some perspective here. Dear reader, there will be more Valentine’s Days to come. If you don’t have someone to love today, it does not mean you will Never find someone. Remember that not every relationship you see around you is some Nicholas Sparks novel type of love (and if it is, it’s probably not going to end well anyway. This is a joke, of course, since most of his novels end tragically) and Valentine’s Day is just another day on the calendar; it does not show what the relationship is truly like on a daily basis.

1) There is tremendous pressure from our society not to be single. If internalized, the most challenging pressure to find someone comes from within you. Being single somehow implies that you need someone to “complete” you.  This is unhealthy and can lead to codependency traits. Be a whole person with interests, hobbies and healthy standards of what a good relationship should be. You can then find another person to add value to your life, not expect him/her to complete parts of you that you think are missing.

2) You are not alone on Valentine’s Day. There are plenty of single men/women out there. Some are waiting for you to get out there and meet them. Be open to taking chances and letting love find you. You attract what you are. So like yourself (why wouldn’t you? You are an amazing person I bet!) and be in love with your life. Love will then come your way.

3) Grass isn’t greener on the other side. This is not to put down other relationships but rather gain the awareness that often times people are with their partners for the wrong reasons. And not everything that shines on Valentine’s Day is gold. Some people are with their partners out of fear of being alone. Some confuse other needs with love (please note: lust is just lust, it is not love. Fears of being alone and needing someone to just be there is not love. Chemistry does not necessarily mean compatibility. Staying with someone because you share finances, children, etc. but not truly valuing  that person is not love. Being unfaithful but in a relationship isn’t love. Being abusive in any way but needing to have that person in your life isn’t love. Expecting your partner to fulfill your childhood needs that weren’t met is not love. Manipulating, convincing, forcing, tricking someone into being with you isn’t love, for love is given freely and cannot be forced if you want it to be true).

4) So you are feeling lonely. Let’s call it how it is. You wish you could spend Valentine’s Day doing something romantic with a partner. That’s normal. But it’s a feeling. Feelings come and go. They may feel unpleasant but they can’t harm you. Have you considered that people in relationships can feel lonely too (despite the presence of another person)? Not all people who are single are lonely. And not all people in relationships are happy.

5) You’d rather be with someone than alone on this day. Dear reader, let me ask you this: is it better being with someone who isn’t emotionally available, someone you know in your heart is not right for you, isn’t treating you right, decreases your sense of self-worth , makes you sad and angry, is hot and cold with you emotionally, doesn’t appreciate you, is only with you out of convenience, etc.? Does that sound like love to you? Most likely not.  So if you find yourself in a bad relationship don’t be afraid to leave.  Your so called “love” is what’s standing in the way of finding true love.  You will be one step closer to finding love if you are single than if you are in a bad relationship but refuse to leave.

6) You miss someone. You are tempted to contact your ex partner. You remember the person you loved once and all the feelings come rushing back. You idealize the relationship now even though it was far from perfect.  It is normal to miss someone who wasn’t right for you. Often times it is the image in your mind of what your relationship should have been that makes you sad. Other times, it is the fear of not finding anyone else like him/her. Your ex is not the last man/woman on earth. In fact, most likely, he/she is an ex for a reason and the possibility of finding someone who will treat you the same is very likely. But you don’t want that. You want a better relationship. So “delete” that person from your life. Simplify your life, subtract the unnecessary.  Gain the awareness that by missing him/her you are simply letting your emotions override your reasoning.

7) What else is Valentine’s Day about? It’s not only about presents, dinners, cards and pressure to find someone then plan a great date. Saint Valentine performed weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry. According to some legends, he also healed the daughter of his jailer. He wrote her a letter signed “your valentine” as a farewell before his execution. It’s a beautiful legend and a reminder of true love being out there. Worth celebrating whether you are single or not, right? It’s also a reminder to give your love to someone worthy.  Think of some ways to celebrate with you friends. You are simply celebrating what Love is for you, you are celebrating being alive and having the ability to love and be loved one day. Plan ahead of time if you know this holiday makes you sad. This may be a good time to pamper yourself.

I wish you to find a good relationship that’s healthy, stable and is governed with respect, commitment and honesty. And if you are single, I wish you to have the courage to wait for the love you deserve.  But until then, I hope you give yourself the respect and love you deserve.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”-Buddha