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Trauma and Attachment

By December 16, 2024No Comments

 

 

Attachment is really about security and safety.

Attachment Theory

Let’s talk about attachment theory and its effects on our adult relationships. Particularly, let’s discuss the phenomenon of being attracted to what feels familiar instead of what’s good for us. If you grew up with emotionally immature caretakers, for example, then you may be subconsciously attracted to the familiarity of egocentric individuals. By the way, this is not to blame parents and caretakers. So many people are emotionally immature and have no awareness around that. They “grow up,” have jobs and have children. However, they can’t give their children what they themselves don’t have, such as emotional maturity skills, and therefore, they are unaware how they’ve affected their children. Did your parents often overreact to small things? Did they have a hard time expressing feelings, being vulnerable? Did they often say and do things without thinking about others feelings? Were they inconsistent? Sometimes wise, sometimes unreasonable and reactive? Did your parents lack self reflective skills? Rarely looking at their part in a problem? Did your individual differences bug them? These are some of the signs of emotional immaturity. Do nice and considerate individuals you date now feel “boring” to you? Do you often find yourself not attracted to them? Sometimes self-centered, unavailable individuals create more “excitement”. This is anxiety coming back to us from childhood. That instant “chemistry” sometimes is a danger sign, a re-activation of childhood roles.

Trauma and Attachment

What are your core beliefs and needs?

Let’s talk about attachment theory and its effects on our adult relationships. Particularly, let’s discuss the phenomenon of being attracted to what feels familiar instead of what’s good for us. If you grew up with emotionally immature caretakers, for example, then you may be subconsciously attracted to the familiarity of egocentric individuals. By the way, this is not to blame parents and caretakers. So many people are emotionally immature and have no awareness around that. They “grow up,” have jobs and have children. However, they can’t give their children what they themselves don’t have, such as emotional maturity skills, and therefore, they are unaware how they’ve affected their children. Did your parents often overreact to small things? Did they have a hard time expressing feelings, being vulnerable? Did they often say and do things without thinking about others feelings? Were they inconsistent? Sometimes wise, sometimes unreasonable and reactive? Did your parents lack self reflective skills? Rarely looking at their part in a problem? Did your individual differences bug them? These are some of the signs of emotional immaturity. Do nice and considerate individuals you date now feel “boring” to you? Do you often find yourself not attracted to them? Sometimes self-centered, unavailable individuals create more “excitement”. This is anxiety coming back to us from childhood. That instant “chemistry” sometimes is a danger sign, a re-activation of childhood roles.

Attachment Trauma

Trauma is often viewed from the perspective of the traumatic event: the possible threat to the physical well-being of oneself. However, that’s so simplistic, isn’t it? Not all trauma causes physical harm. In childhood, many perceived threats come from emotional signals of others as well as the accessibility of the caregiver. Trauma doesn’t necessarily stem from the level of actual physical danger. Attachment is about safety. It’s about inner security that we all must feel before we can go out in the world to play, create and explore. A child will seek closeness with the parent and use this closeness as her/his/their secure base to turn to when needing comfort. The relationship with the parent will be subconsciously internalized as a model of what safety and security means. Now think about all the kids who did not get that and who as adults subconsciously associate safety with something else.

Aspects of Attachment

There are 3 aspects of attachment (Siegel & Hartzell):

1) Attunement: Being in sync, connected to your child’s internal state. This is usually accompanied by observable nonverbal communication and cues.

2) Balance: The child’s body, emotions and mental states are regulated through being attuned with the parent.

3) Coherence: The sense of integration that children get from the relationship with their parents serves them in the future by also feeling connected to others. When children with a secure attachment become adults, they have the capacity to self-regulate their emotions, connect with others and receive/give love. 

Attachment trauma negatively affects all of the above.

Attachment Therapy

Many people go into adulthood with attachment wounds from childhood trauma. If this sounds like you, you are not alone. There is plenty of help out there for those who need it. Healing attachment wounds is possible through attachment therapy such as attachment-focused EMDR. Therapy focused primarily on healing your attachment wounds will help you move over to a more secure attachment style and have healthier relationships.