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People can only be deeply intimate with you and meet you on the same page if they have done their work and are deeply intimate with themselves.

Relationships and Conflict


Conflict in any relationship is inevitable. Two different people with two completely different world experiences are never going to agree 100% on every situation that comes up, and that is completely fine. Conflict in a relationship does not mean it is an unhealthy relationship, it is how you deal with conflict in a relationship that shows whether your relationship is healthy or not. 

Sometimes, relationship issues are deeper than just an argument over what to watch on TV. A lot of the time people go into relationships and don’t realize how their experiences may shape the way that they react to certain situations, or the way that they are able to love their partners. There are many things that can affect the way we show up in a relationship as an adult, such as childhood trauma, previous or current addiction, anxiety, experiencing infidelity or betrayal trauma from a previous relationship, etc. The difficulties that you face in life are not your fault, but they are your responsibility to address if they are negatively affecting you in adulthood and relationships.


Avoiding Conflict in Relationships

It is easy to think that if you simply avoid the conflict in your relationship, it does not exist. This is actually a coping mechanism, typically stemming from earlier experiences of conflict that didn’t go well, avoidant attachment style, or childhood trauma, etc. Some reasons we may avoid conflict may include: people-pleasing, fear of abandonment , personal insecurities, fear of the relationship ending, not knowing how to communicate when someone is upset with you, etc. Because we enter new relationships carrying the wounds of our past, it is always a good idea to consider individual therapy to heal these wounds so we show up as our best selves to our partner. The goal is not to be perfect, but to understand why we may have stronger reactions to certain situations and how to cope with these reactions. If you are someone who experienced trauma and find that it negatively affects your relationship, do not feel like you are doomed. Sometimes our deepest need in our romantic relationship is what we didn’t get as children. So our romantic relationships can be a portal into healing traumas.


Therapy Healing

A common misconception about trauma is that it must be extreme, but big things aren’t the only thing that cause trauma. Even if you feel like there is nothing significant in your childhood that may lead you to act a certain way in relationships, it is hard to tell until you deeply get to know yourself. Diving into your values and morals and trying to understand why you act the way that you do is so important for how you show up in a relationship. Getting to know yourself on the deepest level, with compassion and no judgment, can help you understand every aspect of yourself. You cannot pour love and understanding into another person if you do not already love and understand yourself. The best way to deeply get to know yourself is through therapy. Some people may need different types of therapy to fully understand themselves, such as EMDR, AF-EMDR, attachment therapy, etc. There are many therapy modalities, and finding the right one, and the right therapist, will be incredibly beneficial for your relationship. Reach out to a therapist in your area today to get to know yourself.