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INTIMACY=Into Me See/ Into Me You See.

People often confuse the word intimacy with sex. But it’s so much more. The word “intimacy” is often described as “into me see,” suggesting that intimacy starts with knowing oneself fully and then allowing yourself to be seen by somebody else. Love will come and stay only if it sees the real you. But it can be so difficult to allow our true selves to come out when we’ve been hurt before. This hurt can come from infidelity, betrayal trauma, childhood trauma, etc. It’s hard to be seen if we don’t feel emotionally safe with the person we are with. Choose someone who makes you feel safe. There is no healthy relationship without intimacy, and there’s no intimacy without emotional safety and vulnerability. Realize that intimacy is not about intensity. It’s about emotional safety and trust. That’s where the strongest emotions grow.


Intimacy and Acceptance in Relationships

People can only be deeply intimate with you and meet you on the same page if they have done their work and are deeply intimate with themselves. And what if they are not? Then you have to practice acceptance. Acceptance does not mean liking the situation or agreeing with it. It simply means allowing things and people to be as they are. You can’t change someone. People change WHEN and IF they want to change. You can’t do the growing, learning, healing, wanting, etc. for them. Maybe you beg them enough, threaten them enough, take matters into your own hands and make things happen so it looks like they have changed now and are on the same page as you. Right? No, wrong. While externally it could look like they have changed, they probably have not. And your behaviors are manipulations. Yet you want authenticity. You want things to be simple and true. You want someone to see you, hear you, meet you on the same page. But how can they do that if they haven’t done the work to meet themselves and know who they truly are?

Tips for Strengthening Your Connection

So, you and your partner have both done the work to be deeply intimate with yourselves, and now you are ready to be deeply intimate with each other in your relationship. You have personally done the work, but how do you start working towards an intimate connection together? Here are 5 tips for strengthening the connection in your relationship through intimacy:


    1. Do not try to control your partner’s actions and emotions, allow them to be their authentic selves. Love is at its best when it’s given and felt freely. Don’t let fear be the guide in your life because then you turn to controlling, manipulative behaviors. The opposite of control is surrender and acceptance.
    2. Gently speak the truth. Honesty connects people. People connect through intimate conversations. When the walls are down, there’s eye contact, undivided attention and genuine closeness. 
    3. Learn to respond, not react to your partner. Learn how to self-soothe, how to heal yourself. Therapy can help. You can’t expect your partner to do that for you.
    4. Be assertive. Speak up for yourself in your relationship, tell the truth. And take responsibility for your actions. Don’t avoid conflict by people-pleasing then becoming resentful. It’s so empowering to speak your truth in a loving, respectful way.
    5. Be empathetic.  It’s important to recognize, and feel (not just think) your partner’s experience. Sometimes people know the right things to say, but emotional empathy is more than that. It involves a bodily based response- feeling the experience of another as if you had it yourself.

For Information and Support

In order to experience intimacy with another person, you must first know yourself fully and allow yourself to be seen by someone else for who you truly are. This may mean unlearning unhealthy patterns, processing childhood trauma, or just learning to love yourself for who you truly are. Many people need assistance with this first step, and that is completely okay. It is always okay to ask for help. A simple search for ‘Therapy in my area’ can bring you one step closer to seeing yourself and allowing your true self to be seen by others. Individual therapy, along with couples therapy, can help you find intimacy in your relationship and strengthen your bond.