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Date nights and elaborate activities are great, but moments of closeness as small as hand-holding can make a world of difference. It’s the small gestures that add up.

Romance and Relationships

Why does romance and passion die down in long term relationships? Reasons are many. But here’s one of them. Life happens. We become comfortable. We become immersed in our other roles as parents, caretakers, etc. Stressors get in the way- lack of free time, financial difficulties, endless to do lists and chores, etc. We get “too close.” What were you doing in the beginning of the relationship that you aren’t doing now? Anticipation. Flirting. Teasing. Joking. Complementing. Dating. Listening. Seducing. All of these things are what make the beginning of a relationship so exciting. What would you need to do in order to bring this back? Can you try to compliment more often? Flirt more? I understand that with time, you are in a different place in your life and you may have different responsibilities, such as children, that make spontaneous dates and adventures less accessible. The difference is, now you have to put in a bit more work and planning. Are you willing to do that for your relationship?

Individuality and Relationships

Comfort, closeness, emotional safety, and connection nurture your emotional intimacy. Yet, spontaneity, focusing on individual identities and interests, and some separation nurture eroticism and passion in the relationship. Who are you outside of your relationship? What are your hobbies and interests, that are yours alone? There needs to be a little separation, a knowing of self as an individual, so there’s a desire for pursuit of closeness and passion again. If we are one, there’s no one to connect to. We have merged, lost our own identities. When we first become romantically involved with another person, we are driven by desire, the romantic fantasy we build out of the endless possibilities of a new relationship. As emotional closeness grows, desire and fantasy begins to give way to intimacy and the reality of a true relationship. Relationships need closeness, but comfort can fully replace passion if we do not take care to preserve our sense of self as distinct from our partner; after all, a romantic connection requires two participants. Make a point to discover that ideal distance between you and your partner, together but separate – that’s where the passion is. ​Balance is key.



Relationship Therapy For Couples

Some couples may have trouble bringing back the romance naturally. Some couples may need a little bit of help learning how to dive into their individuality or practicing listening, complementing, etc. If both partners are willing to put in the work, there is hope for the relationship. No matter how far gone the romance, or even the friendliness may seem, if both partners are willing you can get back to the place you were at when you first got together. It is important to try your best to remember those times, when you first fell in love. A Gottman Method couples  therapist can help you get back to that special time. Couples therapy and individual therapy both can be incredibly beneficial for bringing back the spark in your relationship. Remember, if you are willing to put in the work, there is hope. Contact a therapist in your area today.