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Breakups are hard. Losing a person who you shared so much of your life with is hard. But remember, inability to end a relationship for good is a sign of a traumatic bond, not not unconditional love.


Relationships and Conflict

All relationships have their ups and downs. At some point, you may find that the relationship that you are in is causing you more pain than happiness and you may come to the decision to end it for the betterment of your wellbeing. Even if you know that ending the relationship is the right move for you, it can still be incredibly painful. Or, on the opposite end, your partner may have ended the relationship with you while you want to continue to make it work. This is also a very difficult experience because you may feel that you do not have the closure that you need to move on. There are options to try to address conflict in your relationship, such as couples therapy, but it is important to know that both couples must be open and willing to give their all to fixing the relationship. If it is clear that the relationship is ending, you must go through the heartbreak and try your best to move on and heal. But how do you do that?

Overcoming Breakup pain and past Trauma

You know that you have really moved on from a previous relationship when it holds no energy for you, it’s neutral. You don’t hate them, you don’t love them. You can’t force yourself to move on if you aren’t ready. You can’t force yourself to forget someone. Healing after a breakup is painful. It takes time and can’t be rushed.  What’s needed for healing is compassion. And acceptance of how you are feeling at any given moment. It’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to have resentments. It’s ok to feel betrayed. And many other emotions. It’s ok to not feel okay. By labeling your emotions as they come, you are allowing them to also leave. And then, different emotions take over. The goal is to keep your emotions flowing by allowing them to come and go. When we resist feeling, we get stuck. This can disrupt our nervous system regulation and cause more stress and anxiety. When you process your feelings with compassion, you can also look at your part in that relationship. Not with blame, but with compassion and curiosity. You played an active role in creating it. Exploring your part in it can help you identify when and how you gave your power away. Or what made you abandon yourself and create an unhealthy dynamic. Or perhaps, what parts of you accepted and tolerated bad behavior and why.  See, the key here is to do so with compassion. Not judgment. No one can grow by being judged. But when people feel heard and understood, they can let go and grow. You are no different. You need to feel heard and loved and understood by you. With compassion and acceptance, you will heal. The strong feelings you once had towards that person will become neutral. And one morning you will wake up and realize they no longer occupy space in your mind and heart. You’ve let go of resentments, pain and anger. You’ve released all that is not love from your heart. Only then can you begin healing traumas from the end of your relationship


Trauma Therapists in Los Angeles

It may take time and practice to learn how to treat yourself with acceptance and compassion. If you are someone who has experienced attachment trauma, betrayal trauma, childhood trauma, or any kind of relational trauma in your life, you may need some assistance with learning the tools you were not given in the first place. Please remember that reaching out for help is never something to be ashamed of, it shows courage and strength to be able to take that big step towards healing. There are therapists in your area, or therapists offering in-home therapy virtually, that are trained in specific modalities that can expedite your healing journey. Whether it be attachment therapy, attachment-focused EMDR, EMDR for trauma, or betrayal trauma therapy, there are options for you. There are people who are ready and willing to go along with you on your healing journey. Do not be afraid to take that next step towards healing.